Stopping Self Sabotage: Thoughts vs Truths.

Here is Carrie's Insider Story. Like all Insider Stories, you will see my personal feedback as the first comment below. Carrie's story is well worth the read, but if you are short on time see the high lights in bold.

I seem to self sabotage allot.  I get on a roll, feeling really well, then "boom" I slide off the path and can't seem to get back on track for anything.

I am aware of what's going on at the surface - I have somehow disconnected my head to the rest of me.

I lay awake at night, listening to my heart pumping harder than ever before, elevated, and I'm physically uncomfortable with the excess weight on my stomach and my neck - it feels like pressure on my neck and stomach and I feel very unwell.  I review the day in those dark hours and wonder to myself why I ate what I ate when I know that it's not good, and it certainly does not make me feel good.  

I drift off to sleep and when the alarm sounds at 5am, my first thought of the day as I roll out of bed, is this: that it's going to be a different day - a day unlike yesterday and that I will control what I eat, I will be conscience of what I eat and I will feel healthy today.

I start off well, a healthy breakfast, and a great packed lunch - then things start to fall apart as soon as I hit the front door upon returning from work. 

Upon trying to figure out what's going on, I can tell you that I know how I feel - I feel as though I am searching for something (not food), it's a yearning or anxiety or something that makes me feel uncomfortable.  I also feel fatigued and I know that I cannot stop or break for at least another few hours - after supper is finished, dishes are in the dishwasher and my daughter is off to her programs and back home again.

Even then, there's not much room to "decompress" from the day as there's usually some left over homework to complete, or something else taking up space in my much needed down time.  When there is space for some downtime, I still feel as though I am unable to unwind, and I think I begin looking at food to find the "thing" I'm searching for - whether it's more energy, I don't know.  

But I do know, that by the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed again, berating myself for the lousy job I did about fueling my body and feeling both the physical and emotional weight of the weight, I wonder out loud how can I possibly get off this horrible roller coaster once and for all?  

I'm sick and I'm tired - and my weight is going to literally kill me if I don't get off this roller coaster ride.  I feel as though I am playing Russian roulette with my health.

I have lost motivation to even walk now - I feel too tired, and I can make a million excuses as to why I won't even walk right now.  I'm out of breath, I don't like the way the excess weight feels on my body as I walk.  And my head knows that the only way to being healthy is to incorporate some exercise every day.

Anyway, that's the heart of things these days - I'm in the same rut that I was a year ago, two years ago, many years ago, only this time, with hormones and age running against my best of intentions.

I feel as though I should just give up, but I don't want to let this win.  I need to win, for the sake of me and for my family.

Thanks as always for listening - still struggling.

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It is common for those struggling with depressed emotions and anxiety to feel incrediably alone. If you can relate to any of Carrie's experiences, please let her know by commenting below.