Insightful

Yesterday I went out and bought a hair colour.  This is significant to me because it is one of those things I was always going to do "when I lost the weight". 

I have been holding off on doing my hair for years thinking I should be skinny before I colour my hair.  Sounds crazy I guess but true! 

You had told me to learn to like myself now...otherwise I will be disappointed when I "lose the weight" so I am trying to do things as my rewards for small goals reached instead of when I reach my end goal. 

My hope is that this can only build my self confidence making it easier to continue to stay motivated. And maybe, just maybe I can learn to like myself just the way I am.

Well, this morning all of my diet friends and I got on the scale for the weekly weigh in.

They are a dysfunctional and noisy group of friends and prior to getting on the scale, i hear one of them saying"you'll be lucky if you lose anything this week...these diets never work for you"...there is another smaller voice that says"well you felt pretty healthy last week and your jeans seemed a little baggier, so maybe there is hope".

So, on to the scale and then the noise really started....I stayed the same as last week, but rather than looking at that as a "win"for a week filled with social events, the monkey chatter started, more loudly than I've heard for a long time.... Read more...

So I had a meltdown - a crying, binge eating, knock out meltdown before Christmas. And I gave up, temporarily, for two weeks. I was in such a stressed out, exhausted and emotional state that I just gave up. But somewhere in the back of my mind was a little, tiny voice that kept saying "you still want to accomplish this". Dec 27th - I reassessed and had a good hard look at why I haven't been able to accomplish this goal of weight loss for a straight 10 years. And Drew's blog post arrived at the same moment I made a discovery. I have been actively studying this "natural horsemanship" method of trainig my horse for 2 years now (my passion and my sanity).... Read more...

I was thinking of the need for planning re meals for the day, shopping, making them up the night before etc.

I do see how beneficial this can be. I would like to say that, given the obvious benefits, it makes sense that I - just do it. Coming home at 9, tired and decisioned-out however is not the easiest time for healthy meal planning.

That said, interruptions or busy periods of time are going to come and go throughout my life so .........the words "suck it up buttercup" come to mind.

I had actually written another entry prior to this last one, I had trouble sending it and, obviously, it was lost.
It is not simple to attempt a repeat, but it was important to me so I am going to try.
We had talked about some pressure being a good thing to motivate and cause a continuance of weight loss. But the next day I realised that I was experiencing a real pull by some old behaviours.

I believe I was experiencing fear of failing, falling short of this goal, of unraveling the progress already made, I had lost sight of mindfulness and let a form of fearfulness have its way. Should I stay and fully embrace all that I had learned and take action at this point through this goal? Or should I go and fully abandon myself to my old patterns and...quit? ... Read more...

If you were to go back to your previous feedback -  a comment that you wrote keeps coming back to my thinking. 

You spoke of motivation through fear, a fear of not achieving.

As I think back (this is an understanding point not a blaming of parents/teachers/elders) I have tried to remember being motivated to achieve in any area but I honestly cannot think of one. So for me there was more a fear OF achieving.

I think this continues to haunt me today.

While I am still 'contemplating' my activity list, I am committed to doing something today - whatever it takes.

Halloween was not as scary as I had thought - no binging on sweets... although I will admit to sampling a few treats - after all I had worked Saturday and got slammed with yet another big project to be finished before the end of the month. 

And while I did lose sleep over the 'how much I have to do this month' dark cloud hanging over my head, I was thinking of what I could do to keep on track for physical activity and self-care.  If work was a treadmill, I'd be deliriously thin....

I am really tired.

There is an intensity that surrounds me, I feel it could envelope and overwhelm me if I am not careful. I wonder is it possible to be in this intense environment but not be part of it? I think it is. I'm trying and I am being careful.

I go out to Waterloo park at lunch and walk around the pond or sit and read by the ducks, it is quite restful.

Now the day doesn't miraculously burst into rainbows but, I feel that I gain a healthy prospective and can return to work refreshed.

You know I really do not like writing about "me" and "I" all the time it doesn't sit right...not being modest just honest. ... Read more...